Six years went by and not even a miscarriage…
My irregular period became regular and well on time too but yet, no pregnancy.
I saw everyone around me conceiving effortlessly and this got me confused,
frustrated and angry. Brian and I had been subjected to all sorts of tests which required very compromising positions, we endured the embarrassments and went through it all. We even went ahead to take every advice we got from anyone. We tried different ‘positions’, different places, different times in the day and even different countries.
It sounds like madness but we were desperate.
This process was particularly difficult for me as I had to be with the cutest little children everyday …
I experienced how amazingly sweet most kids could be. I enjoyed staying in school because going home reminded me of my ‘situation’.
On one of the days I stayed in school, the proprietress; Mrs. Akpan sent for me.
She told me of a student whom needed a home. The little girl; LOVE, had just lost her sponsor to an accident. Her parents had eight other children whom they couldn’t afford to take care of.
I was excited at the idea and I couldn’t wait to ask Brian if it was ok. Brian was indifferent…
I met Love’s parents and few weeks later, she was a part of my home. I took up my role with excitement and although she was nine years old, I did virtually everything for her …
Making her hair was my fondest thing and hearing her call me ‘mummy’ was so fulfilling!!!
My ‘situation’ wasn’t the constant on my mind anymore.
Brian and I had just finished building our own house and so we had to move.
We packed! and packed!! and packed!!!
And when everything had been moved to the new house, the arranging started.
I was particular excited about fixing Love’s room.
As I put up the wall paper with Brians help, I remembered feeling dizzy and then I was in the hospital, three months pregnant, yippee!!
I could hardly contain myself and to say that Brian was ecstatic, was to say the least.
However, Love withdrew so much!!!
She suddenly became a moody child.
She broke almost everything she held and started doing badly at school …
This got me really worried.
Love made my pregnancy a difficult one as she suddenly became sickly too.
I was a regular visitor at the children’s ward but the doctors couldn’t diagnose any ailment.
After Jaiden was born, Love got even worse.
She would vomit after her meals and fainting became a norm.
I did everything to get to the root of the problem until my mum noticed a pattern …
The fainting occurred anytime Jaiden reached a new milestone and I was excited.
I finally got the picture and did more to show her how much I loved her.
The more I tried, the more she played mind games with me …
I prayed for Jaiden for seven years and upon his arrival,
It seems like I never prayed to have him.
I was always attending to Love and trying to prove my love for her.
I cannot tell you the amount of time and resources I spent on Love at the expense of my biological child that I begged God for.
I am now at a cross-road and don’t know what decision to make.
I love this child with all my heart and I know she needs me but how can I continue to neglect my son just to satisfy Love?